WORD VOMMITS FROM THE HOLY SPIRIT how he is nurturing me
Words are super important to me. I highly value them, their meanings, intentions, roots, history ect. At training camp, one of our squad leaders gave us each a paper. She said she asked the Holy Spirit to give her a word for each of us and didn’t know what that word or prayer meant for that individual person.
My word was Fullness and said “This year I pray that you experience fullness. Fullness of love, joy, peace, and hope. I am just starting to grasp what this means. And am excited to see what it means more so I can share it with you. Little did I even know that the enemy started attacking me on all four of those grounds right after training camp trying his best to steal, kill and destroy my love, joy, peace, and hope, and I have been fighting to regain that ground since.
After the first week on the Race, my team leader, Aubrey, did listening prayer (listening to the Holy Spirit) and asked for a word for each of us on Ohana. My word was RENEW. I honestly wasn’t sure what this meant but I was not feeling myself at all. I felt like a cloud had covered me, and I wanted out. I couldn’t grasp my joy anymore. I could see it, but I couldn’t reach it. God wanted to start to renew me in ways that dug deeper than before. He wanted to start helping me feel again. …I kinda got super excited about this listening words thing and started praying for words for other people.
During debrief the Holy Spirit was moving, and I had a boldness and fullness of the Spirit like I have never had, but I was attacked spiritually and physically, for when you try to gain enemy ground, he isn’t going to just sit back and let you take it. God was teaching me more ways I was still broken and needed healing as well as showing me more of who I was, not just all pretty stuff either….debrief took everything that God had been teaching me and dumped it all out on the table…
In one day, the last day, here are the words I got: during a Beauty for Ashes meeting I got the word REJOICE that ended up being pointed out was exactly what I needed because I had felt like I “lost my joy”. Abba was telling me that to regain the joy, I must simply rejoice.
Then I got words of encouragement from my squad mentor that she did listening prayer for and over and over again it mentioned Trust. It said: “There’s some things you need to let go of. It may feel very scary. It’s going to require trust! You have to trust that I, Abba, will protect you. I will be with you every step of the way. I will NEVER leave you alone. Trust Me. Maybe you don’t know what this means or looks like, that’s ok! You don’t have to know the whole, just the next step. Trust Me. Take the step in front of you. There is freedom to gain!” The Holy Spirit of course knew that I was struggling with loneliness again—something the devil knows is a weakness— also that He gave me the freedom that I don’t have to know what this means or looks like now let me breathe such a sigh of relief. He wants to teach me to be vulnerable in ways I hadn’t yet. To not let others trample me just so peace can be kept. And I am sure this is just the beginning. Then after worship, we were told to go encourage others on the squad. The Holy Spirit gave me six more words.
God wanted to tell me that He is satisfied with all that I am doing and that it doesn’t matter if I do anything because I don’t need to gain His approval by doing more.
HEART. I have such a big heart for people and bring so much peace. I carry myself like a light, joyful butterfly.
I am NOT ALONE even if having food issues makes me feel like I am.
Since rivers is a thing of mine…God said I am flowing, going somewhere, but I am not stuck.
I am HEARD. I don’t have to hide in the shadows to be seen. I have the freedom to step out of the shadows.
SWEET. I am genuinely kind and sweet. I bring such a calming presence and have a confidence in who I am and have no need to conform to be like others. I don’t need to be like others and should never let anyone take my sweetness.
SEEN
Enneagram is a thing for a lot of racers. It is a personality program that can be tied with Christianity, and it is really cool. I have been diving into it trying to figure out more of how God wired me, and He has showed me more of my weaknesses, where I fall, how I fall, what I look like when I am healthy spiritually.
I realized I innerly felt like I needed to hide in the shadows to be seen. I wanted to be seen but even more I wanted to be known yearning for people to love me without me having to ask them or tell them how. I still adapt and become passive in stressful situations and seek for everyone around me to be happy while I compromise my own opinions and beliefs. I am almost overly flexible except when it comes to my needed Jesus time which is where I get my peace and comfort. I push down my emotions because I am scared to feel and let people see me broken because all my life I have felt and been taught that I had to be the strong one and suck it up. Therefore, I also have no idea how to describe my emotions because I have never spent time with them especially the negative ones; I repress them so quickly because I don’t want them to exist, and I had been either taught to explode in them or repress them. I run away in stressful situations because I hate conflict instead of facing them and fixing them when I know exactly how. I don’t like being the different one in the group because I want to be included yet at the same time I want to be unique and have something to give that others don’t. I want to be looked at as perfect and good to everyone and not be a bad guy. When I am in spiritual health I am joyful, at peace, bubbly, encouraging, energetic, courage to speak up because I have the confidence to.
Abba was confirming both who I was but also putting to light the things lies that I had been believing-I was alone, unseen, not loving, ect. He was also pushing me to keep going and do hard things to trust and to rejoice again while He broke down the walls. I don’t know all the meanings of these words, but the Holy Spirit is freaking amazing, knows us so well and just wants us to listen to His voice so He can walk with us and use us to be His hands and feet to minister to others as well as helping us heal.
Bonus: training camp dream and debrief vision
Dreams are something I have always thought were intriguing and God uses them several times in scripture. I believe God still uses dreams and dreams either come from God, the devil, or ourselves(emotions, spirit, or food hehe).
I hardly remember dreams, but when I do they usually have meaning.
At training camp I dreamt that I was in a room bright yellow white with the light coming from all the windows around the room. In front of me was a dark corridor and the Spirit told me to go in. I walked in and started to walk faster and faster seeking to find the end, the light, then I started running, when I got out of the corridor I was moved into the sky to look down to see where the corridor came out to. As I looked down there was a field of golden wheat ready for harvest. In this field was mowed out a picture of an eye and the pupil was the exit of the corridor. Then, I woke up.
This dream can have several meanings one of which was told to me. I was used to staying in the light but then there is a season where I need to walk in darkness to find the light again. And once I come out of the corridor there is a harvest ready for me to see and be given. I am still praying over this dream and what He has to tell me about it.
Then there are visions of which God can also use. I have been getting more pictures and visions lately which is SO MUCH FUN.
At debrief they asked us what it would look like if we lived in the fullness God has given us. I got a vision of me dancing, singing, worshipping on a stage, messy bun, wearing a big navy sweater and ripped up light blue jeans fully enraptured in His goodness.
So who do I want to be?
I want to be fully alive and active in the Spirit, confident in who I am as a child of God and not trying to appease others around me to “fit in”. I want to be courageous, full of wisdom, spontaneous and bold in the Spirit. I want to lift others up to Jesus to transform them into who God created them to be. I want to have a heart for His broken, confused children that need to be discipled. I want to be so full of His Letter that it flows out of me, and so full of His love and joy and peace that it follows with me wherever I go that I may be a light for Him who created me, loves me, and loves the rest of the world and yearns for them to surrender to Jesus that they may walk in the same power, confidence and love as He did.
This next month going into China, I am continuing to be led by the Spirit, praying bold scary prayers, speaking up, worshipping with my guitar (Hallel), and spending as much time in the word to get to know my Creator and His love for His people.
Here is part of my heart and what the Lord is teaching me. Don’t be afraid to ask the scary prayers for they will bring the most unimaginable, pure transformations and revelations.
IMPORTANT: my blog in China will be put on passcode that you will have to use to log in to read my blogs this next month. The password will be OHANAFAM
Also-still have $1780 left to be fully funded if God is leading you to partner with Him to fulfill this need.
