My last blog was a bit of a whirlwind. I was scrambling to notify you of what was going on and then I just…. vanished. POOF!
I didn’t forget about you though. You gave so much spiritually, emotionally and physically in order for this season to have had taken place. I am humbled and grateful.
Before you continue wondering why I am writing a blog when I am clearly not on the Race anymore, it is because I have been processing what happened those 8 months the last two years and three months. It wasn’t simple. And I have been trying to put into words what I couldn’t. That is why I haven’t really shared anything with anyone.
Some alumni created an instagram page recently in which people anonymously share their stories. I felt seen for the first time in years. That I wasn’t the only one with questions about how the World Race does its thing. That I wasn’t the only one who experienced certain attributes of that culture in unfortunately not always good ways. That I am not crazy. I then shared my story forcing me to process deeply what I walked through in that season, putting words finally to the hurt so I can heal and maybe help someone else feel seen.
So I want to share a part of my story. I am not looking for pity or honestly words from anyone. As I continue to process and heal, I may share more. To be honest, it is actually a little scary sharing this to you. Again, I am putting my heart on the page for the goal this time to be connection and relationship, not just a word vomit (maybe you actually liked those blogs though 🙂
So go grab some tea and find some sunshine…cuz this will be a doozie!
———————————————–
I could say everything that AIM did that was uncalled for, hurtful, naive, detrimental, but that isn’t going to help anyone. That will just bring more bitterness and anger, acting like the same culture you don’t want to be like.
They did do one thing right. I didn’t get kicked off. I did so much that outcasted me, not in “sinful” ways but “you aren’t controllable” ways.
I am sharing not to bash AIM, but to help someone feel seen and heard like I did after reading some of these stories…a culture that unfortunately was not relevant on my squad.
You see, I was already accustomed to being the odd one out. The deep thinker, the perfectionist, the “wounded” one, the research-aholic, the “introvert in person, extrovert on paper”, leader of personality discovery, BEMA Biblical studies obsessional… these were how my squad knew me by the end.
And I laugh, such a beautiful messy garden of a personality.
Before the race, I had already learned very deeply to stay in Abba’s presence. It was safe, it was steady; it was how I had already survived on my own for years. I didn’t know how crucial to the survival of this trip and the coming out of it that value would be.
Born to be loved was our training camp motto. Yeah, I knew God loved me, but people? I had been hurt one too many times to trust them. Funny thing is that once I was set to go on the race, the thing I looked forward to most was the community. I was craving it, yet not realizing until later how much this WR culture didn’t know how to do community unless you checked all the boxes of the clique.
But my goal for the trip wasn’t community, but healing, awakening, and as I took the reins of my trip experience, not depending on others, that DID happen. Abba gave me grace as I continued to press in to Him.
What I do realize is that AIM has no idea how to do the one thing they are so desperate to do: disciple. Their version of counseling is… might I say naive?… opinionated? even… prideful?
There is an obsession of listening to Holy Spirit, but no instruction on how to actively listen to your teammates… or whoever you are having a 1:1 with.
The program push to “inner heal” was a driving force, but anyone who actually took it upon themselves to inner heal was seen as a team breaker, not wanting to do ministry, a broken outcast, one to be fixed.
Funny how the thing they want you to do, they actually don’t carve out time for… or allow?
Everyone was culture shocked (okay maybe not everyone… but like 99.9%). The way of handling it was pretty obvious. Find a coffee shop, FaceTime an old friend, adventure days carving deep holes in already empty wallets, shopping, cute photos. Yet, if one was to say “I need some Jesus time”…. You didn’t get the gold star of the club. You apparently didn’t want to spend any time with the team. Who’s the focus of the team again?
There’s this thing that could be really good, but actually breeds a lot of disconnection, bitterness and gossip. Feedback. The act of being forced to tell your teammates where they are doing wrong and pointing them to Jesus in front of the whole team…
how relational can you get??
Super feedback once a month was even better…let’s just try haunting our teammates for a sec. Not bringing in feedback (even if you didn’t seen anyone else all day do to ministry dispersing… led the rest of the team to again think you didn’t do team well).
PS I didn’t do team well. No one did.
ATL months were the real bomb. Let’s just say whatever pops into our heads and.. uh.. go with it. Find something yellow or a corner or face or better yet let’s just go to a coffee shop and think on it over wifi and our favorite overly indulgent drink.
And what are we supposed to do again?
Sounds like a fun game, but when the game doesn’t align or someone’s “word” isn’t “acceptable” to the rest of the team… yeah, it’s not pretty. Again, people didn’t know how to listen. And if you actually don’t know how to listen to God…how are you supposed to know how to listen to people?
I’m a rule follower. I fundraised everything before the deadline. Blogged constantly. Did the things I was supposed to do. It didn’t work. I was still “out of the good kids club”. Couldn’t put my finger on it, so I put it elsewhere. I made the race my own and followed Holy Spirit’s leading (though I still tried to be the good girl).
Sending your upper leaders incredibly vulnerable answers to their monthly (mandatory) questions that they determine how you and your team are doing are bizarre to say the least. Never had any of these people actually tried fostering a relationship with me, text me at all, sit me down for tea & biscuits… nothing. But one-on-ones during debrief were mandatory. Yet they took it upon themselves to determine what in their eyes was good or bad. A handful of people trying to take on the burdens and trauma of about 40. That’s a lot to handle.
Interesting way to lead… or follow might be a better word.
The gifts of the Holy Spirit are taught but the only important one was evangelism. Can’t evangelize? You aren’t doing it right (even if you were building relationships with one or two people or choosing to love on the missionary kids).
I was in conflict with one of my teammates for months. Neither of us knew how to connect with one another, so avoidance was our method. Neither of us had tools, both of us having our own wounds. When upper staff then blamed us for potentially threatening our teams after four months and said we needed to sit down, the three of us (one being a leader). I was like “FINALLY!! Give me tools so I can handle conflict well and slowly learn how not to be so triggered and defensive. I don’t know how. Please teach me. Help! I hate disconnection.”
Dang tho, the reaction of my teammate… “I don’t belong here; it isn’t my fault” was dripping heavily in the room. She had a lot of wounds, bitterness and pride she wasn’t ready to walk through. Valid, we all have our own journeys.
The convo helped me grow some skills. Still took me forever to apply them in vulnerability and courage (still didn’t trust people). Our relationship (to said teammate) never got better until she got really sick in Africa, and I stayed with her for a night… maybe a glimmer?
Typically, I felt seen mostly by the men on my squad. There is just something about competitive women that can make your skin crawl. The men started softening my shell, showing me I was safe, seen, and heard.
One instance I remember was in the afternoon after I had gotten a text from my dad earlier that morning that he no longer was living at home with my mom. I was just sitting on the floor weeping, and my teammate (a guy) came down to me and just held me as I wept. He saw me and comforted well. Abba showed himself through that kindness.
Another instance was when a guy teammate asked me how I was doing, and I said “fine”. “No, REALLY, how are you doing?” he strongly said back. I was startled that he actually wanted to hear, to listen, to know, and that made me feel safe, seen, heard and loved.
The women.. there were a couple amazing ones (shout out!)..but dang, if you didn’t like dressing well, wearing makeup, listening to certain music, enjoying Starbucks coffee, having perfect instagrams, evangelizing… ouch.
If more people had known how to actively listen, or if taught, if upper staff had known, there would have been a completely, tangibly, spiritually, different culture on our squad.
Debriefs weren’t much of a debrief as a “let’s teach you more about this culture of AIM” which was.. not helpful.
Every debrief, I franticly searched for the one person who had known me for years, who saw me, understood.
It was a comfort having her around for a few days, maybe for the both of us. Got in trouble almost every time for “not wanting to be with my team”.
I just needed a real life powwow with someone who cared about me to make sure I wasn’t going insane; that I had the strength to keep going, not quit. Maybe I should have quit though.
My pride kept me going or was my downfall? God only knows.
Coming back home early was more traumatic of what I would be going home to, not what I would miss.
You see, you’re not allowed to think or plan future until month 8 debrief. I’d been thinking and planning future since the beginning as it allowed me to be more present.
So going home right before this debrief due to c0v!d didn’t spin me too crazy (I did have some dark moments tho tbh), and I processed through as much as I could (vlogging through seasons helps, ya’ll) to help me have a clean slate to start fresh.
AIM scrambled to try to help us process, but I was done, let go already, moving on, trying to forget what I couldn’t put into words, trying to walk through the next season of survival…maybe even learning to thrive for once.
What I couldn’t put into words, over two years later, I am still figuring out. I didn’t have everything figured out, all together. I had a lot of wounds and triggers that I was slowly dealing with before, during and still after. And that’s okay. I decided to press in and learn, and I did. I didn’t do everything well, but I am trying to be honest about that. Hurt people hurt people. We need more cultures of healed people to heal people.
Abba knew I needed that season, and I am grateful for it.
Was it worth it?
Yeah, I learned a ton about myself… mainly because I spent time listening in Abba’s presence in worship, journalling, prayer. But it was so so hard though—- spiritually, physically, emotionally, relationally and mentally (S.P.E.R.M. —- one tool I still use for doing inner healing health checks).
Was it ministry at all?
I started taking to the term self ministry. Most ministries used us white kids from the USA as pawns in their games and agendas. I did love one month. I got to homeschool the missionary kids a few days a week, and we had SO MUCH FUN. Star gazing, painting, math, guitar playing.. I remember it fondly, and I miss them dearly.
Would I recommend the trip?
No. The leadership was not healthy enough to lead and disciple well (unless you count learning how not to lead and disciple). I think they just don’t know better to be honest.
It may have just been my squad as a wreck, but I am starting to think otherwise.
There are far better options of discipleship and mission trips if you want, need and desire such.
But by all means, if Abba wants you to go, have courage and no fear. Remember who the real enemy is. Remember you are loved.
For those of you who did experience it, you are seen and heard. You are not alone. You do have a choice to heal.
